"Ha, what? Is there grass in my hair or something?" I shook my head like a dog just out of the bath and looked back at his staring face, "Is it gone?". He didn't reply, he was acting odd; I'm not too sure whether that's good or not.
"Can you do me a favour?" He said it quite slowly, a slanted smile on his face and a slightly mischievous look in his eyes. I averted my gaze and began plucking at the grass, paying close attention to a stubborn weed that was refusing to be pulled out.
"Yeah, sure. What's up?" I wonder what it is he wants? He never asks for favours, maybe he needed a painting for someone, though he's pretty decent at art himself.
"Isla" His voice was soft and melted in the air. He sounded different too, his voice had gone all husky and he sounded serious but in a playful manner. He tilted my chin towards his face and looked me straight in the eyes. They seemed darker, his eyes that is. Usually they were a pale greenish amber like dying grass unlike the emerald shade that twinkled in his eyes. I was frozen, his warm fingers had slid behind my neck and I couldn't move. No, I didn't want to move. Something about him seemed different ,the way he looked at me seemed stronger too. He leaned close, his face only inches from mine. I could feel his warm breath on my skin and my cheeks began to heat up as the blood rushed to my face, my stomach was warm too and my heart was racing. What's wrong with me? Why am I suddenly so flustered?
"Will you let me kiss you?"
"Can you do me a favour?" He said it quite slowly, a slanted smile on his face and a slightly mischievous look in his eyes. I averted my gaze and began plucking at the grass, paying close attention to a stubborn weed that was refusing to be pulled out.
"Yeah, sure. What's up?" I wonder what it is he wants? He never asks for favours, maybe he needed a painting for someone, though he's pretty decent at art himself.
"Isla" His voice was soft and melted in the air. He sounded different too, his voice had gone all husky and he sounded serious but in a playful manner. He tilted my chin towards his face and looked me straight in the eyes. They seemed darker, his eyes that is. Usually they were a pale greenish amber like dying grass unlike the emerald shade that twinkled in his eyes. I was frozen, his warm fingers had slid behind my neck and I couldn't move. No, I didn't want to move. Something about him seemed different ,the way he looked at me seemed stronger too. He leaned close, his face only inches from mine. I could feel his warm breath on my skin and my cheeks began to heat up as the blood rushed to my face, my stomach was warm too and my heart was racing. What's wrong with me? Why am I suddenly so flustered?
"Will you let me kiss you?"
Overall, I think this is some pretty well thought out and compiled work. But I dream to be a part time editor at some news column or magazine some day; so I'll try and proof read your work and give you my two cents on it.
ReplyDeleteSo I particularly had a problem with this paragraph.
"Yeah, sure. What's up?" I wonder what it is he wants? He never asks for favours, maybe he needed a painting for someone, though he's pretty decent at art himself.
I feel like there is no separation between words and thoughts, and it gives it this "here you go, no transition" feeling. A line break would do marvels to the overall flow to the writing.
Example
"Yeah, sure. What's up?"
I wonder what....
See? It just feels more organic, like everything wasn't just like, bam bam. Does that make sense?
Also, I would consider rewriting this part
"I wonder what it is he wants? He never asks for favours..."
I'd consider flipping the two phrases because you've already established that he's asking for a favour. So I'd write it as:
"He's never asked any favours of me before; I wonder what he could want."
The last note I have is the problem with run ons.
"He never asks for favours, maybe he needed a painting for someone, though he's pretty decent at art himself."
There's two independent clauses and a dependent clause all joined together by a series of commas; so it's grammatically incorrect. Plus that last part about him being good at art seems like unnecessary information and that it should be established by action, not description. So have him show her a piece of art down the line where she truly realizes that this guy is an artist. I suggest you rewrite that and the way I would write it is:
"Maybe he just needs a painting for someone." And then just end that paragraph there.
Hopefully I was able to give a good yet critical outside point of view. Send me an email at martinez.emannuel@gmail.com if you'd like me to proofread work before you publish because I really like doing that kind of stuff.
Good job!