“Alex.” I could hear someone calling my name but I didn’t answer.
My head was spinning; the lights and sounds in the room were making me feel like I was in a whirlpool. Slow, chill-step music played in the background. There was something so dreamlike and whimsical about it all; the smoke slipping out of my mouth like a living creature, bending and twisting as if it had a place to go- the smells coming from it so strange and musky. I wasn’t alone; there were about ten other people in the room- some of them I knew, others were strangers. Some were holding bottles while others- me included- had joints wedged between their fingers. It was our release; this room and these things. We used it to take a step out of our real lives and venture into some other strange land, a land more suited to us.
We were all cramped in the basement beneath Emily Stewart’s house. It was a small, dark room with dull florescent lights hanging from the ceiling. Posters of bands and movies were plastered to the walls, damp with seepage. There were two large four-seater sofas, both white with multi-coloured paint splatters and alcohol stains on them. They were both pressed up against the back wall so it seemed like it was just one large sofa facing an old, silver Panasonic TV with an X-box connected to it. The games were spread out across the floor and the controllers on the glass table between the TV and the couches but no one played it, the TV screen was paused on an image of a red sports car crashing into the side of a bridge.
“Alex, want a drink?” “It was Emily. She’s a tall, skinny girl with short, cropped auburn hair and hazel eyes. She looks as if she’d come from some exotic country but her whole family had grown up in Brooklyn.
She was looking at me with a mischievous smile, vodka bottle in hand. I looked up at her and smiled gleefully, shaking my head from side to side “Maybe later but for now I’m alright with my plants, thanks sweetheart.” I raised the joint and placed it between my lips, taking another drag. I winked at her as she walked back into the crowd, bottle in hand.
I’ve been at Emily’s house for….how many hours now? Doesn’t matter but I don’t have a car so that means I’ll have to take the bus. Better get moving.
“Emily.” I called her over but she seemed to be busy making out with some guy with long, brown dreads- she just waved a hand at me and disappeared around the corner. I was going to tell her I was heading out but I doubt she’ll even remember me being here in the first place. I let out a sigh and blinked hard, my vision was blurry and I felt like I was looking at the world through a kaleidoscope. I felt great.
I walked up the stairs, trying to focus on every step but they seemed as if they were moving, changing form and shape. I grabbed the railing and took in a deep breathe then let it out, trying to clear my head. I finally made it up onto the porch after tripping over a rug and struggling with the door knob. Now, what was I doing? I stood in the doorway, gripping the bridge of my nose and squeezing my eyes shut, trying to remember why I’d come upstairs.
“You’re leaving so soon?” I opened my eyes to see a girl standing in front of me and it took me a minute to realise it was Alyssa. She was leaning against the door frame, her long blonde hair tied up in a messy bun. She was wearing a large brown hoodie over a white top and jeans.
“I’m not leaving soon, I’ve been here for ages.” I nodded at her and I saw her smile.
“I’m not letting you drive like that.” She looked me up and
down and I wasn’t sure what she was talking about.
“I wasn’t planning on driving; I was going to take the bus.” I stated.
She grabbed my arm and pulled me out the door which seemed to bend in my vision. “There’s no way I’m letting you do that either.”
Before I knew it I was sitting in the passenger seat of her mini cooper and we were driving down the road. “Thanks, Isla.” I leaned my head against the window, the cool glass feeling nice against my cheek.
“Who’s Isla?” She looked at me with a slightly offended look on her face.
“What?” I asked. I cocked my head to the side and looked back at her, squinting and trying to focus on her face.
“You said ‘Thanks, Isla.’ You’ve mentioned that name before but you’ve never told me who she is.”
I called her Isla?
“Oh, sorry. I’m just tired.” I leaned my head against the back of the seat and looked up out of the sky-roof at the trees over- our heads. They zipped past in green and brown lines, the occasional street lamp flooding the car with yellow light.
“No, you’re drunk and stoned. There’s a difference.”
We turned a corner and I felt the contents in my stomach whirl. How much did I drink tonight? I smoked up too and God, my head hurts. I looked over at Alyssa, her gaze fixed on the road. Is she sober? I’d apparently said that out loud and she answered with “Yeah, I’m sober. I’m on a diet and alcohol makes you bloat, so.” She looked over at me and smiled, her pearl white teeth almost glowing in the dark. Everything seemed to be moving very fast; even Alyssa’s hands on the steering wheel seemed to be spinning like a top.
“You won’t last another week.” I said smugly and she shot me a snake like look.
“You’re so rude, Alex. Now, who’s this Isla girl?” Her voice was filled with curiosity and when Alyssa wants to know something she won’t stop asking ‘til she found out.
I let out a sigh and shifted my position so that I was looking at her. “Isla-” I paused trying to clear my thoughts “-Is a really amazing person.”
She rolled her eyes “I bet she is but who is she? Is she a friend?” She paused as she picked the exit on the roundabout and then continued “Girlfriend, maybe?”
I put my finger up in the air, pointing at a dog on the side of the road.
Girlfriend? No…is she? We turned another corner; following the sign labelled ‘Angle-wood’. “We live in the same apartment complex. She’s great. Just, amazing”
I started babbling, just saying everything about her. I felt the words on my tongue but after I said them I didn’t remember them, all I know is that I spoke about Isla until we reached the apartments.
Alyssa drew into a space in front of my building and I looked over at her once we’d parked. She had this odd smile on her face, her eyes were curved and her cheeks were puffed up as if she were suppressing a laugh.
“What?” I asked, looking at her quizzically. “I didn’t say anything funny, did I?”
“No, you didn’t say anything funny.”
Then what is it? I poked her arm and she looked at me and laughed. “Now I see why sober people always laugh at the drunk -they reveal all their secrets and they don’t even know they’re doing it.”
She winked at me and got out the car, coming over to the passenger side to get me out too. My head had stopped spinning and I leaned against the car bonnet, taking out my phone to check the time- 3.50 AM
“And what secrets might you be referring to?” My vision was still slightly blurry; when I looked over at Alyssa the light from the street lamps made a sort of halo around her. She walked towards me and poked my nose.
“Secrets.” She winked at me then returned to her place in the driver’s seat “Now, I’m gonna go home, bye baby.”
She rolled down the window and waved at me as she drove off; irritating electro music blasting from her speakers. Now what?
She took her time to answer the door and for some reason when I saw her I felt my cheeks burn. ‘Probably the alcohol’ I thought.
She stood in the doorway and was saying something but it sounded like animal noises since she was yawning. Her scarlet hair was tied up in a messy bun, strands falling out and brushing her temple; my fingers were itching to tuck it behind her ear but I didn’t. She was wearing an over-sized T-shirt that hit her mid-thigh. It was an old shirt and though my head was spinning too much to read it now I knew it said “‘Earth’ without ‘art’ is just ‘eh’” She had bought it at an art fair but they only had XXL sizes left. Her skinny legs were bare and she was wearing fuzzy black bunny slippers. She looked adorable.
“Alex, why are you waking me up at 4:00 AM?” She was rubbing her eyes and she yawned again.
“I don’t know. I was going to go home but, I came here.” It was true, I was on my way to my own building but I took the turn and before I knew it I was knocking on Isla’s door. I needed her; I couldn’t go home, not like I was now.
She looked at me properly now, the sleepiness wearing off “You’re drunk aren’t you?” She asked, disappointment in her voice. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t need to- I knew she could smell it, see it in my droopy eyes and the slouch in my step. She let out a sigh and moved aside, opening the door for me to come in. I bent to kiss her on the forehead-like I always do when I see her- but she pulled away. Damn it.
She guided me to her bedroom and sat me down on the bed. The only light in the room came from the open bathroom door opposite me. She reached down and unzipped my grey hoodie, pulling it off my arms and dumping it on the floor. I kicked off my shoes and she let out a sigh and just looked at me; I could see different emotions cross her face. At first it was disappointment, then her jaw set tight and I saw rage. I stared at her blankly, waiting for her to start yelling at me- waiting for her words to echo in my pounding head. But she said nothing; she just walked out of the room. Get up and follow her, you don’t need to say anything just do it. I stood up and the blood all rushed to my head, my vision blurred even more and I could feel the vomit rise to the back of my throat. I swayed and fell onto the bed, lying flat on my back “Woah.” I felt like I was about to melt into the soft blanket underneath me but I can’t just lie here, I have to follow Isla- I don’t know why but I do. This time I got up slowly, taking deep breaths and concentrating on the door to balance myself. I feel like shit.
I opened her door and Homer darted past me making me jump. He turned around and hissed at me, ever since he was a kitten he’s hated me. I ignored him and stepped around him, trying to adjust my eyes to the darkness of her apartment. When I found her she was sitting at the kitchen table, eating cornflakes out the box and drinking milk out of the carton. She nodded to me and I sat down opposite her, crossing my legs up on the chair. Why am I here? Why isn’t she yelling at me for coming to her apartment in the middle of the night drunk? What should I say? Do I need to say anything? Should I explain myself, tell her where I was, what happened?
“Going home won’t be smart. You can’t wake your parents up this late and if they knew you were drinking they’d go nuts.” She looked over at me, done with her cereal. She jumped off the stool and placed the milk in the fridge and threw the empty cereal box into the bin by the kitchen counter.
“Then what should I do?” I watched her as she walked around the kitchen, going to the fridge and getting out a cold bottle of water. She took out two glasses, poured the water in it and passed me one.
“You stay here, of course. Where else would you go?” She puts her glass to her lips, wincing at how cold it was.
“You alright with that? I mean, after what happened last week with Rick walking in on us…If either him or your sis sees me walking out of your apartment in the morning, they’d sit us down and give us ‘the talk’ like they did when we were fifteen.” My words were slurred slightly and I was surprised that I’d even had enough sense to think about what might happen tomorrow. But Isla just brushed it aside, waving her hand in the air to say it didn’t matter. “Should I sleep on the couch?” She gave me this look as if I was out of my mind – well, I was a little. “Have you ever slept on the couch when you’ve stayed the night? No, so why should I make you sleep on the couch tonight?”
“I guess, but-”
“I’m going back to bed, go wash your face and come sleep.” She walked out the kitchen and I heard her bedroom door click shut behind her.
Okay. I haven’t spent the night with her in years. It’s fine. Just go, wash your face and sleep. Yeah. Simple. Wait…what are you even worried about? It’s just Isla.
I shook my head and rubbed my hand over my face. What Alyssa had said kept wringing through my mind – “Now I see why sober people always laugh at the drunk –they reveal all their secrets and they don’t even know they’re doing it.” What the hell did I even say? Think…think.
I sat there for a while; my head in my hands, my elbows on the table then I gave up. I had no recollection of what I said to Alyssa in the car, I’d just have to get her to tell me what ‘secrets’ had slipped out. I let out a sigh and got up quietly, tucking my chair under the table and wincing at the noise. I snuck through the apartment, slowly opening Isla’s bedroom door, hoping it wouldn’t creak. It did. Once I shut the door behind me I was engulfed in darkness. Isla hated sleeping with the lights on, I remembered that much. Once I’d left the bedroom door open a crack and she’d yelled at me because the light had hit her eyes and woken her up. I blinked hard, trying to adjust my eyes to the darkness –shapes slowly began to form: the outline of her desk and her book shelf in the far left corner, the shape of her bathroom door and shine of the beaded curtain decorating it. Slowly, I made my way to the bathroom and slid past the curtain, pausing when the beads bumped together.
I looked at my face in the mirror and saw for myself the red tint to my eyes –it was hard to miss. My hair was sticking up every which way and there was a stain of something pink on the collar of my plain white T-shirt. From what I can remember of the night, I had fun. Nothing bad happened, I didn’t do anything stupid either, it was just another night out. Then why do I feel so guilty about it?
I turned on the tap, letting cold water run over my fingers and the sink fill up. Once it reached the top, I turned the water off and plunged my face into the icy water squeezing my eyes shut as it splashed everywhere. It felt like hundreds of tiny needles were pushed into my skin all at the same time and it felt horrible, but when I pulled my head out gasping and looking at myself in the mirror –the water dripping down my face, my hair plastered to my temples; I felt so much better. What do I sleep in….do I sleep in my boxers? I usually sleep in my boxers. But what if Isla wakes up and thinks I was so drunk that I stripped and that I’m lying in her bed naked?…she might scream. No, she wouldn’t scream, she’s used to me sleeping in my boxers. It’s fine.
I unbuttoned my jeans and pulled my shirt over my head; folding them neatly and placing then on the laundry basket before walking over to the bed. I felt the blood rush to my face again when I saw Isla: the blanket was wrapped tight around her torso and she was lying on her side, her hands folded under her head. Should I go sleep on the couch? No, she’ll get mad at you for that. Just climb in slowly, quietly and don’t wake her up.
And that’s what I did. I took about 10 full minutes to lie down, stopping at every creaking noise the mattress made. I was lying flat on my back, no blanket over me. If I pull the blanket, she’ll wake up. If I move on to my side, she’ll wake up. But it wasn’t me that moved; it was Homer. He jumped up onto the bed and was purring loudly and rubbing his head against Isla’s legs. She twisted and turned, and ended up almost pressed up against me. How could I forget? Isla is extremely hard to wake up.
I turned around onto my side and my entire body tensed up when I realised that her face was inches from mine. Her hair had come undone and it was spread out underneath her. I slid my hand up to the nape of her neck and ran my fingers through her hair. She made cute grumbling noises and moved closer to me. My stomach flipped; I could feel her breath against my chest and it sent a current throughout my body. I want to move…but I don’t want to move…but…I should move. Slowly -I twisted myself around, lying flat on my back again. This time she didn’t move and now her cheek was pressed up against my right shoulder. I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks. Dammit.
And then I fell asleep.
“I wasn’t planning on driving; I was going to take the bus.” I stated.
She grabbed my arm and pulled me out the door which seemed to bend in my vision. “There’s no way I’m letting you do that either.”
Before I knew it I was sitting in the passenger seat of her mini cooper and we were driving down the road. “Thanks, Isla.” I leaned my head against the window, the cool glass feeling nice against my cheek.
“Who’s Isla?” She looked at me with a slightly offended look on her face.
“What?” I asked. I cocked my head to the side and looked back at her, squinting and trying to focus on her face.
“You said ‘Thanks, Isla.’ You’ve mentioned that name before but you’ve never told me who she is.”
I called her Isla?
“Oh, sorry. I’m just tired.” I leaned my head against the back of the seat and looked up out of the sky-roof at the trees over- our heads. They zipped past in green and brown lines, the occasional street lamp flooding the car with yellow light.
“No, you’re drunk and stoned. There’s a difference.”
We turned a corner and I felt the contents in my stomach whirl. How much did I drink tonight? I smoked up too and God, my head hurts. I looked over at Alyssa, her gaze fixed on the road. Is she sober? I’d apparently said that out loud and she answered with “Yeah, I’m sober. I’m on a diet and alcohol makes you bloat, so.” She looked over at me and smiled, her pearl white teeth almost glowing in the dark. Everything seemed to be moving very fast; even Alyssa’s hands on the steering wheel seemed to be spinning like a top.
“You won’t last another week.” I said smugly and she shot me a snake like look.
“You’re so rude, Alex. Now, who’s this Isla girl?” Her voice was filled with curiosity and when Alyssa wants to know something she won’t stop asking ‘til she found out.
I let out a sigh and shifted my position so that I was looking at her. “Isla-” I paused trying to clear my thoughts “-Is a really amazing person.”
She rolled her eyes “I bet she is but who is she? Is she a friend?” She paused as she picked the exit on the roundabout and then continued “Girlfriend, maybe?”
I put my finger up in the air, pointing at a dog on the side of the road.
Girlfriend? No…is she? We turned another corner; following the sign labelled ‘Angle-wood’. “We live in the same apartment complex. She’s great. Just, amazing”
I started babbling, just saying everything about her. I felt the words on my tongue but after I said them I didn’t remember them, all I know is that I spoke about Isla until we reached the apartments.
Alyssa drew into a space in front of my building and I looked over at her once we’d parked. She had this odd smile on her face, her eyes were curved and her cheeks were puffed up as if she were suppressing a laugh.
“What?” I asked, looking at her quizzically. “I didn’t say anything funny, did I?”
“No, you didn’t say anything funny.”
Then what is it? I poked her arm and she looked at me and laughed. “Now I see why sober people always laugh at the drunk -they reveal all their secrets and they don’t even know they’re doing it.”
She winked at me and got out the car, coming over to the passenger side to get me out too. My head had stopped spinning and I leaned against the car bonnet, taking out my phone to check the time- 3.50 AM
“And what secrets might you be referring to?” My vision was still slightly blurry; when I looked over at Alyssa the light from the street lamps made a sort of halo around her. She walked towards me and poked my nose.
“Secrets.” She winked at me then returned to her place in the driver’s seat “Now, I’m gonna go home, bye baby.”
She rolled down the window and waved at me as she drove off; irritating electro music blasting from her speakers. Now what?
She took her time to answer the door and for some reason when I saw her I felt my cheeks burn. ‘Probably the alcohol’ I thought.
She stood in the doorway and was saying something but it sounded like animal noises since she was yawning. Her scarlet hair was tied up in a messy bun, strands falling out and brushing her temple; my fingers were itching to tuck it behind her ear but I didn’t. She was wearing an over-sized T-shirt that hit her mid-thigh. It was an old shirt and though my head was spinning too much to read it now I knew it said “‘Earth’ without ‘art’ is just ‘eh’” She had bought it at an art fair but they only had XXL sizes left. Her skinny legs were bare and she was wearing fuzzy black bunny slippers. She looked adorable.
“Alex, why are you waking me up at 4:00 AM?” She was rubbing her eyes and she yawned again.
“I don’t know. I was going to go home but, I came here.” It was true, I was on my way to my own building but I took the turn and before I knew it I was knocking on Isla’s door. I needed her; I couldn’t go home, not like I was now.
She looked at me properly now, the sleepiness wearing off “You’re drunk aren’t you?” She asked, disappointment in her voice. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t need to- I knew she could smell it, see it in my droopy eyes and the slouch in my step. She let out a sigh and moved aside, opening the door for me to come in. I bent to kiss her on the forehead-like I always do when I see her- but she pulled away. Damn it.
She guided me to her bedroom and sat me down on the bed. The only light in the room came from the open bathroom door opposite me. She reached down and unzipped my grey hoodie, pulling it off my arms and dumping it on the floor. I kicked off my shoes and she let out a sigh and just looked at me; I could see different emotions cross her face. At first it was disappointment, then her jaw set tight and I saw rage. I stared at her blankly, waiting for her to start yelling at me- waiting for her words to echo in my pounding head. But she said nothing; she just walked out of the room. Get up and follow her, you don’t need to say anything just do it. I stood up and the blood all rushed to my head, my vision blurred even more and I could feel the vomit rise to the back of my throat. I swayed and fell onto the bed, lying flat on my back “Woah.” I felt like I was about to melt into the soft blanket underneath me but I can’t just lie here, I have to follow Isla- I don’t know why but I do. This time I got up slowly, taking deep breaths and concentrating on the door to balance myself. I feel like shit.
I opened her door and Homer darted past me making me jump. He turned around and hissed at me, ever since he was a kitten he’s hated me. I ignored him and stepped around him, trying to adjust my eyes to the darkness of her apartment. When I found her she was sitting at the kitchen table, eating cornflakes out the box and drinking milk out of the carton. She nodded to me and I sat down opposite her, crossing my legs up on the chair. Why am I here? Why isn’t she yelling at me for coming to her apartment in the middle of the night drunk? What should I say? Do I need to say anything? Should I explain myself, tell her where I was, what happened?
“Going home won’t be smart. You can’t wake your parents up this late and if they knew you were drinking they’d go nuts.” She looked over at me, done with her cereal. She jumped off the stool and placed the milk in the fridge and threw the empty cereal box into the bin by the kitchen counter.
“Then what should I do?” I watched her as she walked around the kitchen, going to the fridge and getting out a cold bottle of water. She took out two glasses, poured the water in it and passed me one.
“You stay here, of course. Where else would you go?” She puts her glass to her lips, wincing at how cold it was.
“You alright with that? I mean, after what happened last week with Rick walking in on us…If either him or your sis sees me walking out of your apartment in the morning, they’d sit us down and give us ‘the talk’ like they did when we were fifteen.” My words were slurred slightly and I was surprised that I’d even had enough sense to think about what might happen tomorrow. But Isla just brushed it aside, waving her hand in the air to say it didn’t matter. “Should I sleep on the couch?” She gave me this look as if I was out of my mind – well, I was a little. “Have you ever slept on the couch when you’ve stayed the night? No, so why should I make you sleep on the couch tonight?”
“I guess, but-”
“I’m going back to bed, go wash your face and come sleep.” She walked out the kitchen and I heard her bedroom door click shut behind her.
Okay. I haven’t spent the night with her in years. It’s fine. Just go, wash your face and sleep. Yeah. Simple. Wait…what are you even worried about? It’s just Isla.
I shook my head and rubbed my hand over my face. What Alyssa had said kept wringing through my mind – “Now I see why sober people always laugh at the drunk –they reveal all their secrets and they don’t even know they’re doing it.” What the hell did I even say? Think…think.
I sat there for a while; my head in my hands, my elbows on the table then I gave up. I had no recollection of what I said to Alyssa in the car, I’d just have to get her to tell me what ‘secrets’ had slipped out. I let out a sigh and got up quietly, tucking my chair under the table and wincing at the noise. I snuck through the apartment, slowly opening Isla’s bedroom door, hoping it wouldn’t creak. It did. Once I shut the door behind me I was engulfed in darkness. Isla hated sleeping with the lights on, I remembered that much. Once I’d left the bedroom door open a crack and she’d yelled at me because the light had hit her eyes and woken her up. I blinked hard, trying to adjust my eyes to the darkness –shapes slowly began to form: the outline of her desk and her book shelf in the far left corner, the shape of her bathroom door and shine of the beaded curtain decorating it. Slowly, I made my way to the bathroom and slid past the curtain, pausing when the beads bumped together.
I looked at my face in the mirror and saw for myself the red tint to my eyes –it was hard to miss. My hair was sticking up every which way and there was a stain of something pink on the collar of my plain white T-shirt. From what I can remember of the night, I had fun. Nothing bad happened, I didn’t do anything stupid either, it was just another night out. Then why do I feel so guilty about it?
I turned on the tap, letting cold water run over my fingers and the sink fill up. Once it reached the top, I turned the water off and plunged my face into the icy water squeezing my eyes shut as it splashed everywhere. It felt like hundreds of tiny needles were pushed into my skin all at the same time and it felt horrible, but when I pulled my head out gasping and looking at myself in the mirror –the water dripping down my face, my hair plastered to my temples; I felt so much better. What do I sleep in….do I sleep in my boxers? I usually sleep in my boxers. But what if Isla wakes up and thinks I was so drunk that I stripped and that I’m lying in her bed naked?…she might scream. No, she wouldn’t scream, she’s used to me sleeping in my boxers. It’s fine.
I unbuttoned my jeans and pulled my shirt over my head; folding them neatly and placing then on the laundry basket before walking over to the bed. I felt the blood rush to my face again when I saw Isla: the blanket was wrapped tight around her torso and she was lying on her side, her hands folded under her head. Should I go sleep on the couch? No, she’ll get mad at you for that. Just climb in slowly, quietly and don’t wake her up.
And that’s what I did. I took about 10 full minutes to lie down, stopping at every creaking noise the mattress made. I was lying flat on my back, no blanket over me. If I pull the blanket, she’ll wake up. If I move on to my side, she’ll wake up. But it wasn’t me that moved; it was Homer. He jumped up onto the bed and was purring loudly and rubbing his head against Isla’s legs. She twisted and turned, and ended up almost pressed up against me. How could I forget? Isla is extremely hard to wake up.
I turned around onto my side and my entire body tensed up when I realised that her face was inches from mine. Her hair had come undone and it was spread out underneath her. I slid my hand up to the nape of her neck and ran my fingers through her hair. She made cute grumbling noises and moved closer to me. My stomach flipped; I could feel her breath against my chest and it sent a current throughout my body. I want to move…but I don’t want to move…but…I should move. Slowly -I twisted myself around, lying flat on my back again. This time she didn’t move and now her cheek was pressed up against my right shoulder. I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks. Dammit.
And then I fell asleep.
